Building a Life You Love Also Means Cutting Out Things You Hate

The hope of joy is better than the assurance of discontent — even when getting there means losing things and people.

One thing about me: I will not suffer a bad time. In the wise words of Kim Cattrall, “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself.”

Building a loved life is everyone's goal. Yet so many people seem unhappy. Often, it’s because they refuse to let go of what clearly isn't working. You see it manifest in your friend who won’t dump her loser boyfriend. The coworker who hates their job but doesn’t look for another one. Someone you know who complains incessantly about the city they live in but never seeks to move. All seemingly unaware that the better option will only become available once they’ve moved on.

I used to work at an accounting firm, and they had this freelancer they’d worked with for years. He would charge obscene amounts of money for super simple fixes to the firm’s WordPress site. There were multiple charges for one hour of work for what would have been a one-minute task. I brought this up to my boss. She was mad this guy was taking advantage of the firm and wasting its money but, ultimately, chose to keep him on because “it’s the devil we know”.

Huh??

That line of thinking never made sense to me. Why suffer with the devil when you can cut him loose and search for heaven? That incident was years ago. Since then, I have realized “the devil you know” is one of the worst yet most steadfast traits in human beings. People will stay in shitty situations forever. Not because they like the life they’re living but because the idea of disrupting the status quo, venturing into something new, and/or giving up something familiar is terrifying to them.

I went through this recently with friends. I decided to end three friendships this summer. Sounds like a lot, but I have never “dumped” a friend, and I had 33 years' worth of catching up to do. There were signs, but I was naively optimistic. Eventually, it got to the point where I could be stupid and ignore it, or face the music and adjust accordingly.

One friend of nearly 10 years forgot my birthday and never reached out to apologize. Another friend of 4 years was needlessly a huge asshole out of the blue. The third was supposed to visit me this weekend, but I brought up longstanding issues, and apparently that was enough to end the friendship. They never responded, addressed it, or apologized. And then they didn't follow my writing page, which is when I decided it was time to cut them out of my life because people who don’t FW your work don’t FW you.

These were all people I cared about deeply. Had they just reached out and apologized, I would have just let it go. But it’s been between 2 and 3 weeks now since all these incidents - ample time to reflect, realize, and repair. All three chose not to. And that’s its own reality to face. Someone who does not care to fix what they broke probably didn’t care about it much to begin with. And I love myself too much to keep people around who don’t love me enough or at all.

So that was hard. And it will be hard (I still have to remove 2/3 of my socials). But it makes room for three better friends. I would much rather have friends with the maturity, bravery, and emotional intelligence to be good friends and repair the relationship when it faces conflict. Further, a willingness to work through conflict is itself a sign of love. People who don’t care are the ones who say nothing and/or walk away.

Change is hard, but so is living a life you are not happy with. You can prolong your suffering and stay comfortable, or you can shake things up and put in the work to create a life that excites you. It’s going to be hard either way. Your choice is whether or not you want to lie on your deathbed with memories or regrets.

It’s hard to move to a new city. It’s hard to change your career. It’s hard to end most relationships, be it romantic, platonic, or familial. And hardest of all, you have no idea whether it will be okay on the other side.

But the hope of joy is better than the assurance of discontent.