The Specific Hell of Being Told You're Great and Not Believing It
On imposter syndrome, fear of being perceived, and the lifelong project of believing your own hype
Lately, I’m having a lot of moments where I’m like “oh, this is what that is”, emotionally.
Like the fear of being perceived. I knew the phrase, but I sort of thought it was just a general fear of being judged. But, no, it’s more than that. It can also be a fear of putting yourself out there. I stumbled on a TikTok where the creator was talking about people being scared to post videos of themselves, and the adjoining comment section identified it as “fear of being perceived”. I then looked up further, and I was like, “Oh, hey, I have that”.
Sidenote: I have combed TT to find that video, but alas, cannot.
I’ve always loved creating things and taking pictures of things. And I love social media. I don’t know how other people perceive it, but to me, it’s like a hangout with 900 friends and me. I keep a private Instagram and only let people I know follow me. It’s crazy to think that I know almost 1,000 people. I also have 135-ish more in my requests. A lot of them are people I kind of knew, but for some reason, I just don’t want them looking at my life. Is that weird? Not that I have a super high bar of entry to my IG. One conversation with me was enough to grant you entry. Two conversations = close friends circle. But, still, I just don’t like the idea of so many eyes on my life. I don’t know why.
The thing is, though, when I am perceived, I am perceived super positively. So, my other “oh, that’s what that is” moment is that I have impostor syndrome. I thought that was just for when people felt like they maybe hadn’t earned the right to be in the job/school/space they were in, etc. I've never thought I didn’t belong because I know I work hard for what I have. But I cannot internalize compliments well. Apparently, that’s also a part of impostor syndrome.
For example, I get told I’m super smart and hilarious all the time. I think I’m funny-ish, and I know I’m smart in the sense that I can name every country (or most of them, I get the Guineas confused) and have common sense. But why shouldn’t I think I’m super smart? I have a gotdamn law degree. I was always a top player on trivia teams, often carrying the whole team (RIP Subpoena Coladas). And every essay I wrote in law school - and I wrote a lot - would always get like 85+ (that’s fantastic for law school - we averaged to a 75%). I even had the highest mark for the 1L Constitution essay exam.
But I think I discount my smartness because I’m not good at math or science. So, even though I do a great job of explaining complex legal and social topics in essays, I still don’t consider myself super smart. I also want to add that I’m super smart at strategy, problem-solving, and interpersonal skills; I won my law school’s mediation competition every year. With a different partner every time. Negotiation and persuasion are some of the most difficult human skills to master. People pay thousands to attend seminars to learn how to do it, and I’ve largely come by it naturally (though I'd definitely give Getting to Yes and How to Win Friends and Influence People credit). And I am objectively great at it - the awards are sitting on the shelf behind me. So why wouldn’t I believe I’m smart?! Like, I believe, but I don’t really believe.
I’m a pretty regular cannabis user (I grew up Catholic, so that is not something I ever thought I would say lmaooo), but it has really allowed me to open my eyes to my behaviours, feelings, and actions in a genuinely real and meaningful way. Stoners are not a respected people, but they (well, we now, I guess) were right about how weed helps you discover yourself. I feel like a lot of stuff has been coming to the surface, and I’m much more in tune with what drives me and my behaviour.
I never want to be the person with glaring flaws I don’t work on. One of my parents is that way, and let me tell you, it’s exhausting. So I follow the advice I would give myself. That includes reflecting on my actions, going to therapy, being absolutely honest with myself about my shortcomings and accepting I have them, and then actually committing to working on them.
Every time I connect with one of your posts, I think, “I’d love to have a pint (or spliff) with this gal!” This was one of those posts! Hard relate to the perceive thing, definitely keeps me back from a lot of stuff.
Re: imposter syndrome, this was something I spoke to my coach about. And he shared this take on it: he explained that true imposter syndrome is about you as an individual, like “I’m not good enough, or worthy enough as a human being”. What he found was that clients who thought they had it, were simply experiencing a lack of confidence in a specific skill set they hadn’t yet mastered. So it was more just normal, situational doubts, than imposter syndrome. Just thought I’d share because it changed how I looked at things 🤍