Emma Grede's Book Isn't Meant to Be Everything to Everyone

People seem to forget that one person offering their perspective for a certain kind of lifestyle is not binding, and something about this book has people forgetting that.

I find the discourse around Emma Grede, her book, her career, and her advice to be fascinating.

A half-Black daughter of a struggling single mom moves to America, marries a wealthy white Swedish man, aligns herself with one of the most visible families in the world and goes on to build a massive empire, all with four kids at home. The discourse is rich with commentary on where we are at with women, race, immigrants, wealth, pop culture, parenthood, and working moms for those who have the eyes to see.

But I just want to address a more elementary element of books in general: no one needs to take all, or even any, of the advice inside one. People responded to Emma’s book, Start With Yourself, as if it were a new act from Congress that they had to abide by. So I guess there is merit in pointing out that this is one woman sharing her advice on how she got to where she is - for those who want to do the same. I am tired of people talking about her advice as if they can’t just choose to ignore it.

That’s my advice for getting advice: remember that it’s optional.

I read Start With Yourself, knowing damn well I would not be implementing all of what Emma Grede had to say. I am loving this book, but I acknowledge that it is not for everyone. But not all advice is. Most of the book’s public discourse has been dominated by low-performance people who get mad at the work ethic and lifestyle required of high-performance people.

I’m a mid-performance person. I‘m a lawyer, I volunteer, I have a great job, I have well-rounded hobbies, and I speak French decently. But I also don’t care to work more than 40-45 hours a week, nor do I care about maximizing my earning potential. I make a salary that covers the life I want to live, and I don’t have an interest in anything more expensive than what I have right now. Maybe I would feel differently if I wanted a yacht, but I don’t. I do not intend to live a high-performance life, so I understand that not all of Emma's advice is something I will listen to. I’m not trying to replicate her level of success.

I didn’t read this book because I want to build a $400 million company. I read this book because I knew there were other things I could learn from Emma Grede. She has been described as a bitch, and, as someone who really admires strong women, that is always the kind of role model I’m interested in. I want to know how strong women handle situations at work and in their relationships. I also read it because, as someone with a demanding career who’s thinking about kids, I wanted to understand the perspective of someone who wasn’t just a working mom but a working mom in a demanding career. Also, even if a life isn’t for you, it doesn’t hurt to learn about how other people live their lives. Expanding your perspectives is always an important learning opportunity.

Speaking of perspective, it’s important to be mindful that advice is often given to address things as they exist. Not how they should be. There is a lot of “as it is” advice in Start With Yourself. I have seen so much pushback from people who take her real-world advice and apply it to what they wish the world were. I think that’s misguided.

Emma Grede advocates for being in the office, and many people said things like, “But I need to work from home because I have a family.” Understandable. But visibility still matters. You’re not going to be top of mind for promotions and new opportunities if the person with the power to give those doesn’t know you. Getting to know people IRL is way different from getting to know people through Zoom and Slack.

Work from home if you want, but understand that you don’t get everything. The comfort of managing your schedule with more flexibility will come at the cost of opportunities. No one said it was fair, but it’s how it is. It’s up to you to decide what is more important.

You can’t stay home and have the opportunities afforded to those who are present. But you can compromise. Go into the office two or three days a week. You still have the benefits of working from home for most of the week, but you’re still building face time with your coworkers. That’s another thing about advice: you can choose what you want and adapt it to your life in your own way.

A Michelle Obama quote to ponder:

“That whole, ‘So you can have it all.’ Nope, not at the same time.”

Some days you stay home. Some days, you suck it up and go to the office because that’s what the reality of getting ahead calls for. Do it or don’t. The choice is yours.

I’m still reading the book, so this isn’t a full review. But as mentioned earlier in this post, I find the discourse surrounding Emma and Start With Yourself fascinating. I think she’s ahead of her time, and she’s presenting new ways of thinking that are forcing many to reconsider how they view being a working woman and/or mom. And people can rarely hear a new idea and simply decide it’s not for them. Instead, they just go on the attack, which is unfortunate. I think Emma has many good ideas and perspectives that would bring peace to many women and working moms across all careers.