Do I live my life out loud?
No.
I am terrified of being visible. This often surprises people because I have an outgoing and friendly personality. But I’m actually quite inhibited. I do not dance in public (sober). I keep all my social media accounts on lock. In law school, I got numerous nominations to be valedictorian, but didn’t turn in a speech to be considered because I was terrified of being chosen.
Being seen and perceived is something I’ve really struggled with. But I think we all get tests in life, and we have to see them through for growth. My great test is getting over myself. So I started a TikTok account.
I feel assured it is the right path because, with minimal effort and no intention of doing anything but practice putting myself out there, it's been relatively quite successful. Last summer, I posted a random video of my horse drooling, and it got more than 44 million likes. I haven’t posted much since, but over the summer, I gave it a few more tries. Four videos currently boast views in excess of 50,000. One of them got 125,000 in its first 24-hours. So it’s going really well, but I don't know, man; I’m still nervous. Also, people I know are starting to find it.
But I’m tired of living in a bubble and missing out on opportunities because of my fear. If I had gotten over this fear soon, who knows what I could have accomplished on social media. I ran an Instagram account for Black equestrians for a few years and got all kinds of cool opportunities, from being featured in a magazine to being asked to model for the Ontario Equestrian Federation’s new website.
I have only known visibility to be a great thing, so why does this fear persist?
I have an endless internal debate about privacy and vulnerability. On one hand, I'm part of a serious profession with a small, gossipy community. I don’t do or believe anything offensive. I have never seriously wronged anyone in a way I wouldn’t and couldn’t publicly defend. There is nothing I have experienced that I may write or talk about that hasn’t already been experienced by millions of other people. Yet still, I fret. My newest personal project is actually to start thinking less.
I think I fear visibility because, once you’re visible, anything I say and do is up for anyone to interpret, and you can’t defend it. I hate being misunderstood, but I’m slowly getting over it. I’m smart, rational, and deeply empathetic. Anything I say will be understood by anyone who is the same and a mystery to anyone less. Why do I care about what someone less than me has to say?
I’ve been on the Internet a long time, so I know exactly who the inverse of my targeted audience is: low-income and low-IQ white American men. The people I do find myself bonding with are smart and interesting people with great jobs and cool life experiences, mostly women and all kinds of ethnicities. That should be enough to convince myself that I’m in the right line of thinking, but it’s not.
But you know what, it’s a work in progress rather than work not started. And that’s a much better situation to be in.