Is It Embarrassing to be Married Now?
Boyfriends are already out and husbands may be right behind them.
Last October, Vogue declared that boyfriends were embarrassing. Husbands are probably next, if they aren’t already.
When you’re a woman, it’s constantly pounded into you that you should want a husband. Indeed, many women see it as an accomplishment. We all know someone who turned “getting/being married” into their whole personality the day they got their engagement ring. More so, we all know women who stick it out with horrible men -even men who hate them - all in the name of being married (Kristen Bell to the front).
I was scrolling videos on TikTok when I saw one by the creator, Tell the Bees, discussing women married to men who hate them. I was scrolling through the comments to see The Public’s thoughts, when this one caught my eye: “They don’t realize being in a marriage isn’t a status symbol anymore”.
Thinking on it, I agreed wholeheartedly. Honestly, I used to judge women for not being married and/or for not wanting to be married. It’s gradually faded as I grew up and became an adult woman. And now, when I meet a woman and then find out she’s married, my immediate thought is always, “I wonder to what extent that guy is a burden on you.”
I was married before. There were several reasons for the divorce, among them being that I just realized my ex-husband would be a liability, not an asset, if we started a family together. Not all women come to the same conclusion before it’s too late (children), so they married, quit their jobs, and now have kids, and it’s much harder to walk away from a bad man. You can go on TikTok now and search for videos of “women whose husbands hate them” and see tons of videos of women being treated with the utmost disrespect by their spouses. I feel bad when they’re treated terribly, but my sympathy wanes when they then defend the fucker.
Now (and especially as someone who works in family law), I am very sensitive to the 1,001 reasons women choose not to leave their husbands. They may not have the means, they don’t have the support, their children are too little, they have too many children, they don’t want to deal with a hassle, it isn’t safe for whatever reason, etc. So I do not include women with valid reasons in this.
But to the rest: it just seems like you prioritize being married over being respected. You make videos showing your shitty husband, get the backlash, and most of you get into the comments talking about how “single people don’t have a sense of humour,” or people are “jealous” because you’re married and they’re not. Like, just perfectly incorrect takes of the situation at hand. But the fact that they go after single people shows what they really fear- being single.
Like what is going through your head? You think anyone is impressed by your loser husband? People feel sorry for you. As a fellow adult, if you have a toxic relationship, rest assured, your friends and family are whispering about it behind your back- as concerned people who care about you do, so don’t go labeling valid concern as gossip or backstabbers or whatever.
I wholeheartedly reject the narrative that men get to be losers and we, women, are just supposed to accept it. The biggest shifts from this are actually coming from married woman, especially the ones who post about their married life on TikTok, completely in denial about their obviously terrible husband. They marry men who don’t know their kids’ birthdays, don’t get them appropriate gifts for their birthday or Christmas, and who express no interest in them other than “what’s for dinner”?
Too many women settle because of enduring narratives that men cannot be expected to be capable of much, and that’s okay. How many times have celebrity fathers come forward to proudly say they don’t change their child’s diaper ever? Hot take: that should be a career-ruining statement to make. You’re admitting to neglecting your child’s basic needs. If you bring a child into the world, you are responsible for their care as long as you have parental rights intact. The effort we expect of mothers should not be greater than that of the father. In fact, it should be less; mothers dedicate 9 months to growing this thing, then endure the very dangerous and painful procedure that is giving birth. Let them take a break.
But that’s not the expectation. The modern nuclear family is completely unmanageable for women. They are still expected to run a household, raise children, cook and clean, and now also have to work a full-time job!!! It’s an impossible ask we’re tasked with; meanwhile, any man is a great father because he “babysat” the kids for half an hour so you could shower. And we’re supposed to aspire to this? Hell no.
I just think of this quote I see around social media every now and then, “For the first time in history, women are no longer marrying men for financial security or material things, just on the basis of their character - and the men are failing miserably.” *
Being married generally puts women at a disadvantage, and that fact has become more apparent in recent years. Not to say the person can’t meet your husband and think, “Okay, actually this one isn’t bad, and they may actually have an enjoyable marriage that doesn’t wear her down”. But, definitely, there is a growing understanding among women that having a husband is taxing to varying extents.
Being married used to elevate a woman in society’s eyes. Now, it seems more and more people default to wondering and worrying - hoping she’s with someone who respects her and carries his weight.
All that being said, I still do want to get married. But only to a man who truly adds value and brings ease to my life. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and I will not suffer with someone who behaves like a spectator.
*I did make a good-faith effort to find who originally said this, but it’s been copied and pasted without credit so many times across so many different sites that I could not find a source.