Some Reality Checks For Anyone Dating
It's tough out there - don't lose sight of yourself and/or what's important.
As someone who remained amicable with all of her exes (with one exception), I like to think I have a good head on my shoulders about dating. I am by no means perfect, but every person I have ever dated could at least pass the “sounds good on paper” test, and I’ve never had a dramatic breakup. So, with that in mind, here are my personal takes on dating:
If you are a woman, there is a lot of dating advice that, on closer inspection, is meant to make you settle. Learn to recognize it.
It is unwise to base your relationship on a television show. I’ve heard friends talk about relationship woes and then bring it back to Sex and the City as a point of comparison to find a solution. It’s a great show, but it’s fake; it’s based on one person’s imagination. Don’t base your reality on fiction.
Don’t compare your relationships to influencers. They are marketers. They respond to whatever gets them views, which is often staged romantic gestures. They are incentivized to portray an idealized image rather than reality.
When you’ve seen a man in love, you’ll know that “if he wanted to, he would” actually is great advice. And the fact that people downplay that advice, in my opinion, is encouraging women to settle for men who don’t show up for them. You can’t be unreasonable in your asks, of course, but if it’s reasonable for you to say, “I want to see you more,” and he does not see you more, then you’re not important enough to him. It’s up to you if you want to accept that.
It’s unrealistic to be strict about a list if you cannot bring the same to the relationship. You want to date someone wealthy, but you have debt. You will only date someone taller than 6 ft, but you’re 5’2”. If you want someone who’s emotionally mature, then you should also be emotionally mature. I’m not saying you can’t date from your wish list, but you should be mindful of what the both of you bring to the table.
It’s easier to have a healthy dating life when you do not fear being single. If you’re scared to be alone, you are much more likely to hang on to people who, deep down, you know are not meant for you.
It’s okay if the first date is casual; you’re feeling each other out and seeing if there is chemistry. Especially if you met online. The second date, though, will speak to the interest in you. It should be substantially nicer and more thoughtful. If it isn’t, I personally would just move on.
Your anxiety is often your way of telling yourself the person isn’t right for you. Sometimes you can meet someone and can’t articulate the “why”, but you have a sense of things to end. Listen to yourself.
You need a partner to weather the storm of life with. Ask yourself if this is a person you will want around if/when you lose a parent, lose a job, or suffer a bad medical diagnosis.
You should also be upfront when something bothers you, especially if you date men. You’ll be surprised how often men crumble when you mention that something they did wasn’t cool. Anyone who cannot reflect on their behavior in a relationship is not fit to be in a relationship.
You should also not be in a relationship where you cannot have productive conversations about issues in the relationship out of fear of setting that person off and/or them threatening to leave.
Be hyper-vigilant of early warning signs. If they’re inserting themselves and their thing into your moment(s), they’re self-centered, maybe even a narcissist. If they find a way to diminish your accomplishment, they’re insecure, and they’re only going to feel better when they’re tearing you down - and people love to feel good about themselves.
Don’t take dating advice from anyone whose love life does not mirror what you want.
Be completely yourself. Whenever you hear a particularly moving wedding vow, everyone always says the best part of being in love is that they can be totally themselves with their person. Why would you give that up?